Well let me try to sum up what's been going on in the past... eh 2 years. Sorry if its rambled..

Let me start off by saying, i live on my own, go to school, and work at a law firm.. Sounds picture perfect wouldn't you say?

wrong

*[[rambled session]]- I'm one of the most stubborn people you'll know/meet, and most of you may know that. My last true relationship ended in May of 2006. I'm on 2 years now, and cant really say too much about it. At times i enjoy it, and others i'm totally bummed about it. It doesn't matter who i like, or who likes me, in the end i push everyone away and sometimes don't even realize i'm doing it. I would love to find that one person who can hold me when i'm crying because my day didn't go as planned, or the person that i can tell a secret too when i'm screaming inside. A person i can trust, which is the hardest problem of them all.

Many years ago something happened to me that changed my life, and i'm not sure it was for the better. It made me a stronger person... I can hold my own ground when faced with a problem, but its also the reasoning as to why i push people away when they get to close. Since that time, i have tried to get past this brick wall that surrounds me and my feelings.

I very rarely cry in public, and if i do, then i just couldn't hold them anymore. I can remember balling at my grandpas funeral, and besides last night, i cant remember the last time i really let go with someone else around. I completely own up to having a shield around me, but i just cant seem to figure out how to let it down.

Since the issue that occurred in 2004, i have had another trusting moment collapse beneath me, and it was in my family. Since then i don't even trust them, which if you ask me is sad. I love my family dearly, and i hope they know that. I know we have all been through a lot, and had a hard past year.

My older brother is now engaged. CRAZY! Seems like only last week when we were in high school together, and he couldn't get a girl, let alone keep her long enough to propose. Eek, time flies. Him and i aren't that close anymore. Through the hard time we had as a family, we stuck together. But when the limb we were sitting on broke, we seemed to fall on opposite side of each other, and i'm not sure well ever meet back up the way we were.

My younger brother, the shy quiet one, went off when my family had their problems, and he hasn't been the same since. I don't know how to talk to him and get past the things he says to get people to leave him alone. He's a music genius, and i think he's that way because its his escape, his release. I should find mine..

I'm starting to form into what ill be until i die, and i still don't know if i like it yet. I'm comfortable with myself now, which helps, but i see things in me that i saw in my parents, and their traits i don't want to posses. I don't want to follow them in their ways, though they aren't wrong, i just want my own path in life. I want my own technics, laugh, smile, attitude, everything. I just don't see that happening..

I want-

love

trust

life

laughs

smiles

moments

pictures

ice cream

compassion

friends

and the list goes on... its depressing.